Jokes

Everyone’s sense of humour is different. Wit isn’t for everyone. Some jokes will go over the head of some people. There are some jokes that make people groan rather than life. They are the same jokes that tickle someone else.

Humour is subjective and we are all made slightly differently as to what we find funny. My favourite jokes are puns or wordplay with double meanings – often cleverly constructed jokes that engages the brain to make a connection in order to laugh.

Here are some of the jokes I have shared this year:

September (13)

I went to the Doctor yesterday and told him I cough whenever I hear any of the words Bishop, Knight, Pawn, Queen or Castle.

He told me I had a Chess Infection.

Some years ago I was set to be in a series of Hollywood films before Matt Damon swept in at the last minute and took the role away from me.

I will get my revenge. One day, he will regret the day he was Bourne.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a supermarket!

Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

Patient: Ever since I was Lidl!

I was in Australia once and I saw a man playing the song Dancing Queen on his didgeridoo.

I presumed he must have been an Abba-riginal.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddley-squats!

It’s National Diarrhoea Week. Runs until Sunday!

I’ve been watching an old black and white episode of Songs of Praise on television.

They were singing Amazing Greys.

I recently watched the film Pinocchio. Overall, it was pretty good but some of the acting was a bit wooden.

I went to the Doctor’s surgery the other day and asked if he had anything for wind.

He gave me a kite.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace. 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t see any.

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In his ark hives!

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to hold the giraffe and another to find the paint.

August (14)

 
I met this gangster once who used to pull the back of people’s underpants up.
 
He was called Wedgie Kray!
 
 
I hear it is the Reading Festival this weekend. I won’t make the mistake of going there again.
 
Last time I went, I could hardly concentrate on my book due to the really loud music going on.
 
Who thought that was conducive to a relaxing reading festival?
 
 
Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I can’t help thinking I am a goat.
 
Doctor: How long have you felt like this?
 
Patient: Since I was a kid!
 
 
I have just read the worst page in the dictionary that I have ever seen. 
 
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
 
 
Insomnia is a terrible problem. But on the plus side, it’s only three more sleeps until Christmas.
 
 
A tanker carrying Marmite has crashed on the motorway.
 
It happened on the Yeastbound carriageway.
 
 
What do you call a 5ft psychic who has escaped from prison?
 
A small, medium at large!
 
 
I’ve just seen a bloke wearing a Hugo Boss tracksuit. I’m really pleased for him as last time I saw him, he was wearing a Hugo Middle Manager tracksuit. 
 
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
 
Who’s there?
 
A spider.
 
I went to the doctor for a check-up and he said to me “Rich, you have to stop eating pizza!”
 
I asked him why?
 
He said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

Whilst the rest of the country’s sixth form colleges are collecting their A Level results, in Yorkshire our students are collecting their Ey Up Level results instead.

The invention of the shovel was literally groundbreaking.

There is a new film coming out about the life and times of Eddie Stobart.

The trailers look amazing.

Why did the Yorkshire budgie go to the cafe?

Tweet.

July (10)

I was going to tell a joke about a roof, but it will probably go over some people’s heads.

I once swallowed a book with lots of similar words in it.

It gave me thesaurus throat ever.

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning..

I don’t know why.. I just started filling up.

What do donkeys have for lunch? 🐴

Half an hour like everyone else! 😂

A duck was about to cross a road when a chicken speedily ran up to it and said

“No, don’t do it!! You’ll never hear the end of it!”

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

With experi-mints.

A friend of mine is moving this weekend as he starts a new job in Seoul on Monday. His family weren’t keen at first until he told them it was a good Korea move.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 metres long?

A pi-thon.

How do you measure how long a snake is?

In metres, they don’t have feet.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and after a while a duck waddled over to me and presented me with a rose and said “Sir, your eyes sparkle like diamonds!”

I called the waiter across and informed him I’d asked for a-ROMATIC duck!

June (15)

Did you hear about the burger van that crashed into a casino?

There were chips everywhere.

I used to hate working in a shoe disposal centre.

It was sole destroying.

Venetian Blinds saved the world!

Without them, it would be curtains for us all.

Today is Take Your Dog To Work Day. It’s all well and good unless you work in a cattery.

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking towards you.

My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath. 🍷

I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath! 😱

A scarecrow near where I live has just been given an award.

He was outstanding in his field.

How do you organise a space themed party?

You planet.

A friend of mine used to paint portraits of people but instead of using paint, he used cheese.

He recently painted his wife’s portrait and was really thorough making sure he went over her image twice to get the right look.

Yes, that’s right – he double Gloucester!

I was in the supermarket the other day and I saw this bloke throwing milk, cheese and yoghurt everywhere.

I thought ‘How dairy!’

What do you get if you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

Does anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy who can help.

A man came up to me earlier and said “I’m from Holland! I’m from Holland!”

I thought to myself ‘Well, that’s double Dutch to me!’

My local pet shop is holding a bird contest.

No perches necessary.

Do you remember that time it rained really heavily in Paris?

It was in Seine!

May (20)

What do you call a female wizard in the desert?

A sandwich.

Why did Cinderella get dropped from the football team?

She kept running away from the ball.

Two lumberjacks walked into a pub and the barmaid asked them “What are you having, fellers?”

The world’s most prolific Facebook user sadly passed away recently.

We will never see his likes again.

I have just been attacked by a herd of hungry cows.

I’m not hurt, just badly grazed!

I got stung by a bee yesterday.

Twenty quid for a jar of honey?!

I’m not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs!

I’ve decided to start using pagan rituals to help me diet. Every time I lose seven pounds I’ll sacrifice a chicken.

That way I’ll kill two birds with one stone…

I was in the supermarket recently when I was hit on the head. I turned round and saw that someone had thrown some soft cheese at me.

I thought ‘Well, that’s not very mature!’

I saw a man walking down the road with a sign under his arm that read ‘& Emergency’

I asked him where he got it from.

He said he found it by Accident.

Is there a B&Q in Wigan?

No, but there is a W, an I, a G, an A and an N.

I once bought a coffee grinder from a shop near Wimbledon Common.

It was useless. It was always either underground or overground….

Newcastle United have signed a new sponsorship deal with a major Chinese tech firm.

Huawei the lads!

My friend saw the Apple store get broken into.

Police have him down as an iWitness!

I can’t stop taking photos of me holding a boiling kettle.

I have been told I have Selfie Steam Issues.

I once tried to teach a dog to dance.

I was no good though, it had two left feet.

Apparently with today being May 4th, it has been adopted as Star Wars Day.

To find out more, you can visit Wookiepedia to read more.

I said to my iPhone.. ‘Hey Siri, surely I don’t need an umbrella today.’

Siri replied… ‘There is a 50% chance of rain and don’t call me Shirley.’

I’d left it in Airplane mode.

My local curry house has just installed a wardrobe that leads to a magical land.

They call it Naania.

I just slipped on the floor in our local library.

I should have known to be more careful as I was in the non-friction section.

April (10)

When the train services were struggling, I thought I’d take a punt on the bus but the driver said I wasn’t allowed to bring a boat onboard.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I have pins and needles in my foot.

I knew it wasn’t a good idea to leave the acupuncture session early.

Why did the egg want to hide itself away?

It was a little chicken.

Egyptian builders had lots of problems with backache whilst building the pyramids.

They had to regularly go to a Cairo-practor to help them.

What has four legs and goes boo?

A cow with a cold!

I’ve just been interrupted by an unsolicited phone call.

When I picked up the phone, all I heard was: Atchooo! Atchooo! Then the caller blew his nose.

I thought – Ah, a cold caller!

Billy gave up his job working for Pickfords as he was finding it too emotional.

Every day was a moving day.

It’s not difficult to tell the difference between crocodiles and alligators.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

It is predicted that in forty years all toddlers will be 43.

March (19)

News just in that a number of criminals have infiltrated the classical music world.

It is reported that a large number of the London Philharmonic Orchestra are on the fiddle.

I’ve finally joined a gymnastics class. It took me ages to get accepted. I had to bend over backwards to get in!

Me and a friend watched four box sets back to back the other evening.

Fortunately, I was the one facing the TV.

My friend laughed when I told her I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

She soon shut up when I drove pasta.

A man went to the doctor and he told him to lose some weight.

The patient asked how.

The doctor said ‘Don’t eat anything fatty’.

The patient asked ‘What? Like pies, chips, etc..’

He replied, ‘No, – don’t eat anything, fatty!’

What do you call bears with no ears?

1) b
2) Anything you like, they won’t hear you.

What do the donkeys have for lunch on Scarborough beach? ?

Half an hour like everyone else! ?

What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?

Igloos it back together again!

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

The outside.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books.

He’s only got his shelf to blame.

How do you stop moles digging up your garden?

Hide their spades.

Why doesn’t Frank Bruno play on a PlayStation?

Because he is more of an Xboxer.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

The man who created autocorrect has died.

May he restaurant in peace.

I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station.

I don’t know why… I just started filling up!

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant just by throwing in water?

If it sinks – girl ant.
If it floats – buoyant.

I really miss my old dentist but they say abscess makes the heart grow fonder!

Three men were talking about the names they had given their sons.

The first said ‘I called mine Andrew because he was born on St Andrew’s Day.’
The second said ‘I called mine David because he was born on St David’s Day.’
They asked the third man when his son was born. He replied ‘Pancake Day,’

I asked the lion in our wardrobe what he was doing there.

He said it was “Narnia business!”

February (16)

I hired a landscape gardener but he said he couldn’t help me as my garden was portrait.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

Yesterday morning I made a Belgian waffle. Yesterday afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

I got a package in the post the other day that landed on the doormat, and on it was a label that said, ‘Please don’t bend.’

I had a right job trying to pick it up!

I walked into an embroidery shop yesterday. I ended up with pins and needles.

Just watching the end of an episode of Morse. So far it has been .–. .-. . – – -.– / –. — — -..

Archaeologists digging within a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe they have found Pharaoh Rocher.

I’m thinking of starting a social media platform for chickens.

Not as my main job, just a way to make hens meet.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me an African country that sells Nike and Adidas trainers?

Pupil: Angola?

Teacher: No, just Nike and Adidas.

Nick Berry will not be asked back to judge the Pub of the year competition after last year’s disaster when he declared every boozer wins.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef! ??

The bartender says “We don’t serve time travellers in here!”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says ”I’d like a pint of beer please, … and a mop!”

What has four wheels and flies?

A dustbin lorry.

(Sorry, bit of a rubbish joke!)

The parking attendant at the hospital car park told a driver “You can’t park your car there, it’s badge holders only”.

He replied “I’ve got a bad shoulder, that’s why I’m here!”

January (14)

I was told a joke about a duck that was supposed to be really good, but it wasn’t all that it was quacked up to be.

I’m thinking of buying a new fridge for my friend for their birthday.

I can’t wait to see their face light up when they open it!

A doctor walked into his surgery and saw a patient lying on the examination couch with carrots stuck up his nose, broccoli in his ears and gravy all over his head.

The doctor said ‘Well I can tell straight away you’ve not been eating right recently.”

The other day I was washing the car with a friend until they said “Can’t you just use a sponge?”

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!

It you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, don’t try swimming with sharks.

I heard it could cost you an arm and a leg.

I once got anxious playing Scrabble.

I should have been please getting a word using the four vowels I had.

I’ve just watched a documentary about how ships are held together.

Riveting.

I went to the cinema and saw a very sad film. The bloke behind me starting wailing.

Next thing you know, I got hit by a harpoon.

Today I am working on my interval training.

I am going to practice walking down to the front of the auditorium and purchase a tub of vanilla ice cream and then returning to my seat.

Where do whales go to play music?

An Orca-stra.

What’s the best way to find out how heavy your red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I taught a wolf to meditate.

Now he’s aware wolf.

Two silk worms challenged each other to a race.

They ended in a tie.